I Steal Everything is the third song from Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier. It was written by A.J. Holmes and Kaley McMahon and was performed by Jeff Blim as Aladdin with features from the ensemble. It is the second track on the cast album.
Lyrics[]
Aladdin:
Want food, but got no money?
I'm screwed, or so it would seem
That's why I came up with this brilliant scheme
Just steal everything!
(spoken)
Alright, monkey, let's feast!
Monkey, spoken:
Yeah, yeah!
Aladdin, spoken:
Ugh. Raisins. I hate raisins.
Hey, little orphan kids, you guys hungry?
Want some bread?
Orphan Kid, spoken:
We do, sir.
Aladdin, spoken:
Fetch, you fucks!
(sung)
For real, I'm not that picky
I'll steal whatever's in sight
Don't judge, 'cause you don't understand my plight
Orphan Kid, spoken:
Hey, my crutch!
Aladdin, spoken:
It's mine now, loser
(sung)
I steal everything
Citizen, spoken:
Bread! Bread for sale! Reasonably priced for these hard times!
Aladdin, spoken:
Ah, hey there, friendo!
Citizen, spoken:
Not you again! Please, you—you just stole a loaf of bread from me this morning!
Aladdin, spoken:
Yeah, and you gotta stop putting raisins in it, man.
I hate raisins.
I was talkin' to Monkey about it, and he thinks we should just kill you!
But I was like, no, Monkey, that's crazy!
But now I'm kinda thinking... yeah.
...No more fucking raisins.
(sung)
Did you know in this barbaric country
They only give you money if you work
Thanks, but no thanks, the man
I'll keep stealing all I can,
Instead of being a fascist yuppie jerk
Citizens:
Hippie!
Fucker!
Slacker!
Aladdin:
Sucker!
Who would seek employment
When life offers such enjoyment?
Anything I get, I can get for free
Besides, the economy's shit
So I make haste when making exits
Get chased by a murderous mob
Hey man, still beats getting a job
(spoken)
Am I right?
Older Woman, spoken:
Getting in trouble a little early today, aren't we Aladdin?
Aladdin, spoken:
You're only in trouble if you get caught.
Young Woman, spoken
Aladdin?
Aladdin, spoken:
I'm in trouble
Young Woman, spoken:
After that night we spent together, my belly grows big with child. My father says that you must marry me now, or I'll bring dishonor to my entire family.
Aladdin, spoken:
Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah. I can't give up on my dreams and settle down just because your dad's being a dick. Besides, if I do marry, I want it to be for love.
Young Woman, spoken:
Oh, Aladdin... I understand.
Aladdin, spoken:
You're such a special girl, Jezebel.
Young Woman, spoken:
Who's Jezebel?!
Aladdin, spoken:
Uh oh - Busted!
Young Woman, sung:
Asshole!
Aladdin:
Oh, wow.
Young Woman's Father, spoken:
Douchebag!
Aladdin:
Hey now!
Just one question, why, man?
Young Woman's Father:
'Cause you stole my daughter's hymen!
Aladdin:
That's completely fair, but in my defense,
Dude, your daughter's hot.
I feel that it's my duty to steal, 'cause stealing's an art
I'll steal clothing and shelter, whatever I lack
Candy from babies, the shirt off your back!
Credit, identities, thunder, and scenes
Intellectual property, whatever that means.
And if you'll look closer
This poor little orphan will steal your heart.
Trivia[]
- This song is a parody of One Jump Ahead from Disney's Aladdin