There Ain't Nothin' Like A Dick is the fourth song in Me and My Dick. It was written by Darren Criss and performed by Nicholas Joseph Strauss-Matathia as The Old Snatch and Devin Lytle as Miss Cooter. It is the fourth track on the cast album.
Lyrics[]
Old Snatch, spoken:
Alright, Ms. Cooter. Let me tell yous a thing or two's about dicks!
(sung)
A dick can act real sweet
A dick can bat his eyes
He can tell you you're the one
But that dick's just full of lies
A dick's, a dick's, a dick's
A dick's, a dick, it's true
But you ain't never gonna
Find the dick for you!
A dick can hit you hard
Miss Cooter:
Oooh, a dick can hit you fast!
A dick can bring you love
Old Snatch:
But that dick can't make it last
Miss Cooter:
There's a dick for every puss
Lots of fish in the sea
Old Snatch:
But they sure as hell
Haven't found the dick for me!
Old Snatch and Miss Cooter:
There ain't nothing like a dick
Miss Cooter:
And the dick I've found's the best
Old Snatch and Miss Cooter:
There ain't nothing like a dick
Old Snatch:
They leave you itching with the rest
Old Snatch and Miss Cooter:
You can play with that dildo
Til it makes you sick
But at the end of the day
There ain't nothin' like a dick!
Old Snatch, spoken:
Now you're getting it, Miss Cooter! Preach, baby, preach!
Miss Cooter, song:
My dick's a different breed
He's got class, he's debonair
His voice is gravelly and soft
And baby, he's got quite a pair
When he talks to me
I get all hot and bothered, you see
I'm positive that he's
The only dick for me
Old Snatch:
Oh, that dick has got you good
He's got ya under his spell
Miss Cooter:
Well at least I have a dick
And at least I don't smell
Old Snatch:
Hah! You make the same mistakes
Through thin and through thick
Old Snatch and Miss Cooter:
But at the end of the day
There ain't nothing like a dick
Miss Cooter:
I want that shaft in me today
Old Snatch and Miss Cooter:
There ain't nothing like a dick
Old Snatch:
Hey look, a baby on the way!
Miss Cooter:
Oooh, the way he makes me feel
Old Snatch:
And they sure's are slicks
Old Snatch and Miss Cooter:
But at the end of the day
There ain't nothing
Like a dick!
Old Snatch, spoken:
And they'll fuck ya too!
Miss Cooter, spoken:
Ow!
Old Snatch, sung:
Yeah!